Sweet Cancer

I'd like to shop ethically, steering away from big brand names because they are all evil. I'm not generally in the habit of nailing my colours to a multi-national corporate flag, but then Coke does taste bloody fantastic.

I love how oppressively fizzy it is and also it's a drink...

...but it's black.

It's made from vegetables, so it counts towards your five-a-day. If you drink a Cherry Coke, even better, as it contains 100% of your recommended fruit and veg intake.

Originally, Coca-Cola contained cocaine. Why the hell did they take that out? If they'd have just thought this through, no one would ever consider buying a Pepsi.

Coke tastes best out of a glass bottle, followed by the can then by plastic bottle. Only gays put Coke in a glass. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Putting Coke into a glass I mean, not being gay. Homosexuality is, as we all know, a sin against god and every time a man anally penetrates another, an angel loses it's wings.

Kidding.

I wish I didn't feel the need to fuel the global Coke machine, but it tastes so good. This is where all the fair trade organisations are going wrong. I commend thier efforts; the fact that they ensure healthy working environments and a fair wage, but I'm not going to buy any of their products because I'm not in the habit of putting something in my mouth that tastes like crap. (Except the occasional piece of crap but that pays really well).

The Troubadour introduced me to a certain brand of fair trade chocolate. (I'm not going to tell you the brand name, because maybe then they will get some money off you once, i.e. the first time you try a bar and then never again.) It was like eating a brown candle. I also tried the orange flavoured variety. This didn't really taste of the fruit in question, but more like an earwig's vagina.

I'm not trying to put you off, far from it. Just because something takes like crap doesn't mean other people shouldn't eat or drink it. People spend millions on Diet Coke all the time. There is absolutely no point in drinking this beverage whatsoever. Unless you like cancer. It may only be one calorie, but it will cost about £1.30 for a big bottle and it tastes like crap. Why not drink water which has virtually no flavour, no calories and costs virtually nothing? I don't think it gives you cancer either, but to be on the safe side I would recommend you drink regular Coke. You could even drink sparkling water with black food colouring in it, although I find the carbonation process makes the water taste like crap. Hang on...

Coke have recently launched Coke Zero, and I am sure the idiots will be lining up to buy the stuff by the crateload. I have to admit I tried it out of curiosity, but will certainly never do so again. If I ever feel the need to drink this cancer juice, I will make up my own. For my recipe, visit my sublog, The Waist of Shoelace.