W.W.S.B.D.

Life can be confusing at the best of times. Sometimes it's hard to know how to make the right decision, and we could do with a little guidance. But where can we turn?

I have seen that some people wear bracelets that have W.W.J.D. written on them. This stands for "what would Jesus do?" The idea is that when you are unsure of your next course of action you consider what the Lord Christ would do in your place.

Nice idea, but I can foresee certain impracticalities. First of all the only way you can attempt to surmise what the son of God would do in any situation is to refer to the new testament. This brings up certain major issues. First of all you would actually have to read the bible, which of course is a major stumbling block. Also, if Jesus lived at all, it was over 2,000 years ago, meaning many situations are different or now irrelevant. Unfortunately when you need guidance most it is usually after you have screwed up; Old JC didn't tend to make too many errors, so again, it's hard to deduce how he would go about fixing his mistakes. The largest flaw in this methodology is that he was able to do certain things we can't. Let me give you a few examples, using the scenario below:

You decide to hold a barbecue. You invite your friends, who invite their friends, who invite their friends, ad infinitum. Pretty soon you've got over five thousand hungry mouths to feed, and only two packs of economy burgers and a few sesame baps. What would Jesus do? Of course Jesus would take the meagre offerings and turn them in to a mighty mixed grill for all. I would probably have to skip a few mortgage payments and hire a lorry to nip down to Tescos.

With the nosh sorted, things seem to be going well, but five minutes in and we've run out of cider. All that's left is eighteen gallons of lambrusco (RRP £1.50). The crowd is turning nasty. What would Jesus do? No problem. He'd probably just pour the "wine" into a water butt, say a quick blessing and out the Scrumpy Jack would flow!

Finally, as you have been the gracious host and served all your guests first, you are now yourself getting to eat. As you raise a glazed pork chop to your mouth, the neighbour you invited out of nothing but courtesy bumps into you, spilling his drink and putting barbecue sauce all down you new Hawaiian shirt. Amazingly He becomes irate. WWJD? Turn thy cheek and love thy neighbour. While I would have to stomp some neighbourly ass and go to the trouble of getting my wife to wash the shirt, Jesus would simply allow himself to be killed, leaving others to deal with the mess, only to be resurrected three days later, his clothing whiter than Tim Henman's.

I think you'll agree the whole thing is a waste of time; but do not be disheartend because I have come up with a solution to the problem. Soon you will be able to purchase the wrist bands pictured at the start of this post from this very site.

From now on, when faced with a dilemma, just look at your wrist and think WWSBD? What would Scott Bakula do? The beauty of it is, Scott Bakula solves all problems in only one manner, and there is no need to devour a religious text to uncover the answers you need. Scott Bakula has been making the right choices as Dr Sam Beckett over five seasons of Quantum Leap. You may have noticed that since the show ended, Mr Bakula has not had the best career. (Star Trek is for geeks unlike QL which is far more high-brow) This is because he failed to follow his own previously successful method, of putting an end to any crisis with a swift roundhouse.

The Scott Bakula method can be applied to any situation. Witness:

You purchase a pint of cider from the stout yeoman in the pub, but you notice you have been shortchanged. WWSBD? Take care not to spill your drink, and kick that cheating mother on his ass.

Your partner asks you to wash the dishes, but you want to play Xbox. WWSBD? Eye up the draining board and spin one out. You'll be able to quickly return to online play, and your other half will laugh at their mistake as they are picking pieces of china out of their face for the next month.

You are choosing your ham in the supermarket. Unbelievably, an old woman has the audacity to ask you to reach up and pass her some lardons. WWSBD? When the biddy says the words "Excuse me dear, would you mind..." your swiss-cheesed brain imagines you are hearing Al Calavicci shouting, "Give that nozzle a flying noodle kick, Sam!" and then you deliver a skull shattering blow to the old bitch's noggin, catapulting her in the frozen food aisle.

The "What Would Scott Bakula Do?" Bands will be available shortly for a mere £34.95/$500. You may think this figure seems high, but it is actually a bargain when you consider the research and development that has gone into creating this product.